My dear friend's mother is failing in health. What a painful and confusing betrayal it is when our physical bodies and minds fail us. Like a spouse or soulmate or bff cheating on us -- a big wtf moment.
When a parent's body or mind declines, the child suffers tremendously too, at any age. That's because the parent's increasing impairment forces us through a real adolescence, a shift from dependence (on their presence, approval, ideals) to independence.
How does this work? We all have internalized our parents. Sometimes we tweak or edit them, but they are definitely STRONG voices in our heads! (Even absent parents have a strong voice within us.) Whether they are alive or dead in the physical, we have immortalized them in our inner voice, and we therefore remain their children.
But answer this: what are they doing in there after we pass age 21? Why do we carry them around, testing everything we do against their old ideals, the ideals we rejected so enthusiastically?
(C'mon... you do too.)
Our parent's physical presence is connected to the internal parents we have created. This means two things. (1) If you want to create true independence, you have to not only move away from home and establish your own ideals and goals, you must also lovingly let go of your internalized parent. Too few of us do this fully.
(2) When a parent fades in their physical/mental life, it feels like the internal parent is being ripped out of you, forcing you to choose: imaginary dependence or true freedom and independence. This plunges you into the darkness of not knowing who you really are all over again. And you thought you ignored that pretty well in your teen years.
Yep, most of us failed our first adolescence. I haven't had a healing or mentoring client yet who knows exactly who they are, loves and accepts their parents for whatever best attempt they made at raising them, and has completely let go of needing anything (approval, money, connection, love) from their parents... particularly from the internalized parents. (And don't think not living with your parent(s) in childhood gets you out of this.)
Adolescence is about attaining complete inner freedom, owning your actions, expressing your inner essence and delightful personality instead of doing what you think other people think you should do. It's about cleaning your room (house, mind, body, business) NOT to avoid consequences from others, but because you've realized you enjoy a certain level of organization. It's about fully accepting the parts you DON'T care about cleaning, and letting go of ALL guilt about not meeting someone else's standards with that.
If your life is a struggle to get your gifts out in the world successfully (consistently disorganized, unhappy, unwealthy, confused, jealous, painful, etc.), then I suggest you haven't fully passed through adolescence. You don't truly know and value yourself. Actually, I KNOW this. From my work and from my own life. And I suggest you get going now, before life pushes you into it in a painful way.
Right?
At its highest, adolescence is a process of attaining SPIRITUAL freedom. It's about maturing into self-knowing, self-loving, and self-nurturing. Succeeding at adolescence means shifting from relying on your physical makers and caretakers to relying on your personal spiritual source of sustenance and inspiration.
It will catch up with you eventually, maybe in your late 30s, 40s, 50s. What do you stand for? Who are you after all? What makes you wonderful? What are you here to do? What are your unique gifts and talents? How can you live a happy life that changes other lives?
When a parent falls seriously ill or dies, it forces you to shift into physical independence, and ideally into spiritual freedom... permanently. It's hard.
Or not. I supose you can choose to stay in denial about your dependence, but the tension between the fantasy you're holding on to and reality will make you miserable. If you're not ready to look at yourself as a whole, self-reliant person or to take responsibility for bringing your brilliance and value out into the world, the decline or death of a parent can be THE most stressful, painful, messy life phase ever. And I haven't even touched on the grief issues!
Have you truly passed through your adolescence? How can you heal your outlook and fulfill/become your Genuine Self while appreciating all that has happened to you in the past... with healthy detachment... TODAY, on your own schedule? How can you spiritually stand on your own two feet? Ask this question out loud, and then open to hearing the answer.
If you want some help, hang out here a while. Read some articles, ask some questions, and tell us how you're doing. :)
I love you. Go heal.
I loved this post. It gave me a lot to think about. I suspect a lot of us need to hear this. I’m glad I’m reading this now versus having to be in the abyss later when it eventually comes to pass. Thank you for the powerful insights.
Posted by: Geanine | Saturday, 06 February 2010 at 01:43 PM
Amen sister. Also it is not fair to the parents to not be free of you.
Posted by: Robin | Monday, 08 February 2010 at 04:43 AM